The morning I realized he blocked me is actually a pretty funny story.
I was staying at an Airbnb out on Madeira Beach in celebration of my best friend Sofia's 22nd birthday. I was fully prepared to have a weekend filled with laughs, soaked with booze, and laced with debauchery. Something to note about me is that balance is a virtue I am still *unsuccessfully* attempting to learn and between work and school I had been a wholesomely kept woman and wanted to let my freak flag fly to makeup for partying time lost.
To give you the audience some context, about a week and a half prior I had asked my ex-lover to have a mature conversation about the nature of our post-relationship dynamic. We were trapped in a cycle of sporadic messaging and it was making me all too delusional that he had changed and that there was a possibility we'd get back together.
Surprise, surprise, the miserable fool had NOT changed and we are certainly NOT getting back together much to the joy of every single one of my friends and all of my immediate family members. This was made especially clear when he did not respond to my messages requesting the mature conversation despite us having exchanged texts a mere two days earlier. Men are lovely aren't they?
Friday night after a little (a lot) of liquid courage, the annoyance I had felt sober transpired into a She-Hulk like rage and I sent him this: "jesus (insert his name), i ask you to have a mature and reasonable conversation with me and that's when you go silent LMAO?"
And that was me going easy on him.
The next morning I woke up and low and behold he had blocked me on Instagram and Snapchat.
For some unbeknownst reason the clown had left iMessage as fair game so I sent him a note saying that I was sorry we had gotten to this place because we had agreed to never be these people. It delivered, and just like that all of the emotions hit me at once.
I wanted to dry heave, cry, hyperventilate, punch a hole through a wall, curl up in a ball and die, and all of the things all at once.
But alas, there was no time! As my other best friend Sae begrudgingly reminded me, the tears would have to be put on hold as we had a 10:30am jetski rental reservation to make!
I trudged my way down John's Pass a little bit hungover and a lot a bit heartbroken in my bikini top, jean shorts, and cheap broken flip flops.
As we approached, it became clear that it must be a requirement to be tanned and tattooed in order to work at Woody's Watersports because my god! That is perhaps the best looking group of men I've ever seen in my entire life. Nothing quite soothes the pain of getting blocked and having to ride jetskis hungover in the blazing sun like the sons of Poseidon walking you through the rules.
Being that I am 21-years old with a learners permit and a particularly horrendous track record when it comes to operating anything with an engine, I was to be riding bitch and hanging onto Sae for dear life while she operated the heavy machinery. As I zoned out listening to the rules, I looked over and saw a white board with a list of men's names.
As I scanned down the list, it dawned on me that they were the name's of the jetskis we were to be riding. Why don't you go ahead and guess what happens next?
Yes. The name that had been haunting my psyche for months had earned his place on the Woody's Watersports Whiteboard. I mean are you kidding? I couldn't escape this a**hole!!!
All of the beautifully chiseled staff members got a kick out of it as I am nothing if not a chronic over-sharer, so I had to let the Adonises know what was up.
But all jokes aside, I know better than anybody how devastating that initial feeling is; No longer having access to somebody you once cared about. When he and I ended things, we specifically agreed that we'd never be the sort of people that block each other. I think it was just a sorry excuse for us to keep a small window open for the future which only ended up doing more harm than good anyhow.
I'll never forget something that Sofia said to me that weekend.
She said: "As soon as a breakup happens, any promises that person made to you are void." She was right. This was divine intervention and a sign that I needed to start doing right by myself. I could no longer depend on the promises of someone who had broken them time and time again.
But I had never felt such an overwhelming sense of regret in my life which was especially hard for me as I had been known to profoundly state that I lived with none. The questions couldn't help but creep in...
What if I had done this months ago? How many panic attacks could I have saved myself? How many tears? How many angry or miserable outbursts that I projected onto the people who love me? The people who stayed when he didn't?
But alas my friend, it's a fools errand. Woulda, shoulda, coulda.
What nobody tells you is that blocking isn't about power. It's about peace.
The freedom of no longer checking who he's following or who's following him. The release of not stalking his location on the hour every hour. The vanishing of that sinking feeling in my stomach when his face pops up on my timeline. And earning back the time that I once dedicated to uncovering the "hidden meanings" that must be behind what he's liking or re-posting.
And babe, you're not crazy for having done those things. We've all done it. I'm just honest enough to admit it.
Now let the record show, I give him ZERO credit or applause for having blocked me. The difference between him and an emotionally intelligent person (of which there are a few) is that he wasn't in search of peace, but rather avoidance and I think he'll always be like that. But you know what makes me smile from ear to ear? It is most certainly NOT my problem anymore!
The absolute best piece of advice I can give you, is to stop thinking of someone blocking you as a gift on their end, when it's actually a major loss. Having access to your life is a privilege, which they no longer get. Leave them wondering, guessing, tossing, and turning about what you're up to. The trips you're taking, the success you're having, and the beautiful people that are going to come into your life and flip it upside down in all of the most magnificent ways.
They didn't win this round ladies. You did.
Now because I'm lucky enough to get the privilege of telling you this instead of him, I want you to always remember that You Are Enough.
XO,
Ava